Embedded Files
⚔️
Melbourne's #1 most useless machete stockist
⚔️
Melbourne's #1 most useless machete stockist
“Sharp Enough To Make A Point. Dull Enough To Be Legal.”
Because the only thing we’re cutting is the nonsense.
UP TO 99% OFF!
UP TO 99% OFF!
End of Season (Machete Bins) Sale
End of Season (Machete Bins) Sale
🪓 Featured Collection: The Urban Machete Series
🪓 Featured Collection: The Urban Machete Series
Products that solve nothing!
The Brunswick Breeze-Cutter™
The Brunswick Breeze-Cutter™
Perfect for slicing… absolutely nothing. A must-have feral piece for youth gang ferals.
✔ Look like a Saturday‑morning cartoon villain who failed the audition.
✔ Handle made of pool noodles and duct tape.
You think you're tough? Wait until the blade droops like spaghetti.
Recommended for:
Dramatic TikTok threats that cut only the air.
Scaring pigeons (unsuccessfully).
Hanging on your bedroom wall (in your mum's basement) as a reminder that society has lost the plot.
"Mate, I swung this thing once and nearly took out a rainbow. The blade's so floppy it hums when the wind hits it. Perfect for looking menacing at the servo while actually just cooling down your chips."
— Gazza ‘The Breeze’ Thompson, Self‑Proclaimed Street Philosopher
"Finally, a piece that matches my emotional range. I gave a bloke a dirty eye, then offered him a latte. The oat‑milk foam dripped onto my eshay-red sneakers and we both cried. Five stars for conflict resolution."
— Declan ‘Feelings First’ McRae, Hipster Enforcer.
The Northcote Negotiator™
The Northcote Negotiator™
So useless it's basically a butter knife.
✔ Bent like a spoon, dripping oat milk foam and a handle made of recycled coffee cups - a homage to baristas.
✔ For try-hard gangsta hipsters.
✔ Comes with a FREE coffee voucher for an emotional-support latte.
Ideal for:
Passive-aggressive conflict resolution.
Pretending you're tough while ordering an oat latte.
Making your therapist sigh deeply.
The CBD Chaos‑Reducer™
The CBD Chaos‑Reducer™
For eshays who stray in the city. Designed to reduce incidents by being so heavy nobody can lift it.
✔ Comically oversized, you'll sweat like in a Bikram class trying to carry it.
✔ Full Looney Tunes energy.
✔ So huge it's basically a tram rail.
Great for:
Doorstop.
Paperweight.
Emotional support object during peak-hour tram rides.
"Tried to lift it once, pulled a hamstring and now I use it as a doorstop. Still turns heads when I wheel it down Swanston Street. Built for drama, not damage - exactly like me.”
— Troy ‘Heavy Vibes’ D’Angelo, Urban Performance Artist.
Why choose "Machetes R Us"?
Why choose "Machetes R Us"?
Because fear shouldn’t be a fashion trend.
Because we believe in empowering Melburnians - not intimidating them.
And because sometimes the best way to fight absurdity… is to highlight it as comedic, over-the-top satire until everyone realises how ridiculous it is.
🥇 "Machetes R Us" brand mission: end machete nonsense
🥇 "Machetes R Us" brand mission: end machete nonsense
Melbourne is full of marvellous: Insta-worthy laneways, coffee, chaotic weather - and sewer-rats who think a machete is a personality trait.
We're here to say:
Enough. No more machete-thug cosplay. No more fear. No more headlines.
Stand up. Speak out. Mock the nonsense. Join the anti‑machete movement. Stop violent youth gangs.
Melbourne deserves better than machete‑theatre performed by bored (deranged?) teenagers.
We fight back with:
Satire sharper than any blade.
Campaigns that make the news cry.
Because Melburnians deserves to reclaim the city from the "I got arrested for swinging a machete in a shopping centre and I'm now being victimised by the legal system" crowd.
Change your vibe
Shop real merch that won't get you arrested
Shop real merch that won't get you arrested
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse