"Machetes R Us"

Melbourne's #1 most useless machete stockist

“Sharp Enough To Make A Point. Dull Enough To Be Legal.”

Because the only thing we're cutting is the nonsense.

UP TO 99% OFF!

End of Machete Bins Sale

🪓 Best sellers: The Urban Machete Collection

Products that solve nothing!

As seen at train stations, shopping centres and on Victoria's Most Wanted.

"Bought one of the useless machetes - and honestly? Watching real snot-nosed machete thugs scatter like they've just been booed by a footy cheer squad the moment they see me carrying props heavier than their courage is the best retail therapy I’ve ever had."

— Verified Laneway Goblin, 5‑Star Drama Customer

The Brunswick Breeze-Cutter™
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 3056 reviews

"Mate, I swung this thing once and nearly took out a rainbow. The blade's so floppy it hums when the wind hits it. Perfect for looking menacing at the servo while actually just cooling down your chips."
— Gazza 'The Breeze' Thompson, Self‑Proclaimed Street Philosopher

Perfect for slicing… absolutely nothing.

A must-have feral piece for youth gang ferals.

✔ Look like a Saturday‑morning cartoon villain who failed the audition.

✔ Handle made of pool noodles and duct tape.

You think you're tough? Wait until the blade droops like spaghetti.

Recommended for:

Dramatic TikTok threats that cut only the air.
Scaring pigeons (unsuccessfully).
Hanging on your bedroom wall (in your mum's basement) as a reminder that society has lost the plot.

SOLD OUT

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The Northcote Negotiator™

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 3070 reviews

"Finally, a piece that matches my emotional range. I gave a bloke a dirty eye, then offered him a latte. The oat‑milk foam dripped onto my eshay-red moccasins and we both cried. Five stars for conflict resolution."
— Declan 'Feelings First' McRae, Hipster Enforcer.

So useless it's basically a butter knife.

✔ Bent like a spoon, dripping oat milk foam and a handle made of recycled coffee cups - a homage to baristas.

✔ For try-hard gangsta hipsters.

✔ Comes with a FREE coffee voucher for an emotional-support latte.

Ideal for:

Passive-aggressive conflict resolution.
Pretending you're tough while ordering an oat latte.
Making your therapist sigh deeply.

SOLD OUT

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The CBD Chaos‑Reducer™

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 3000 reviews

"Tried to lift it once, pulled a hamstring and now I use it as a doorstop. Still turns heads when I wheel it down Swanston Street. Built for drama, not damage - exactly like me.”
— Troy 'Heavy Vibes' D'Angelo, Urban Performance Artist.

For dim-witted eshays who stray into the city.

Designed to reduce incidents by being so heavy nobody can lift it.

✔ Comically oversized. Trying to carry it you'll sweat like in a Bikram class.

✔ Full Looney Tunes energy.

✔ So huge it's basically a tram rail.

Great for:

Doorstop to block home invasions.
Paperweight for arrest warrants and court summonses.
Emotional support object during peak-hour tram rides.

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👍 Why choose "Machetes R Us"?

Because fear shouldn’t be a fashion trend.

Because we believe in empowering Melburnians - not intimidating them.

And because sometimes the best way to fight absurdity is to highlight it as comedic, over-the-top satire until everyone realises how ridiculous it is.

🥇 "Machetes R Us" brand mission: end machete nonsense

Melbourne is full of marvellous: Insta-worthy laneways, coffee, chaotic weather - and sewer-rats who think a machete is a personality trait.

We're here to say:

Enough. No more machete-thug cosplay. No more fear. No more headlines.
Stand up. Speak out. Mock the nonsense. Join the anti‑machete movement. Stop violent youth gangs.
Melbourne deserves better than machete‑theatre performed by bored (deranged?) teenagers.

We fight back with:

Satire sharper than any blade.
Campaigns that make the news cry.

Because Melburnians deserves to reclaim the city from the "I got arrested for swinging a machete in a mall, and I'm now being victimised by the legal system" crowd.